I've been doing a lot of thinkin' since friday night. Apparently, someone's question about what I want had forced me to think. Especially now that I am so afraid by not telling the truth will cost me more than by become a brave person and spill it out. Though I may have a good reason for not saying it in the first place.
I thought I told him already, I thought he knew. But maybe it has not been clear to him than it is for me now.
What I really want to say by telling him about my dream (about her), was my way of telling him that I have to admit that her presence really annoys me. So annoying that she had to be there in my subconscious mind. I just wanted him to know.
That afternoon, when I sent him a message saying that I was so close from kissing him was my way trying to tell him that I still have all those feelings for him. I'm still crazy about him. And it's not because he's now a big shot someone on top of his world and loved by everyone and just simply want him (again), but because I never really get over him.
He might remember that day when we had coffee in that particular place in January 2008, the day when I said to him that I want our old "us" back. Back to the old days when we were so comfort with each other, when we were just friends. Best friends.
The problem is, I didn't give him the real reason of my decision. I didn't tell him that my feelings for him had driven me nuts. I didn't say that the burden of the fact I-would-never-have-him had made me suffocated. And for the sake of my sanity, for having me to ever laugh again with him (one of quality that made me fall for him), I had to put an end, I had to say goodbye to the new "us".
I thought I was over it. Until that day when we were away for that retreat. I didn't realize it at that time though I was miserable just because I didn't see enough of him. I didn't realize until I see his picture in FB, one pic that I referred as "darn". All those nasty comments I made were just denial, coz I'm not ready of walking that path again.
The first time I was angry because of her, again I failed to tell the truth. The fear of rejection had stopped me from telling him. That what I wanted at that time was for having him to hold my hand during that trip back to my office and saying that everything is allright. That what we have was special. But I couldn't say it, coz I knew I lost him the day I said goodbye to the new "us". It's not that I had expectation on what we had. I always know the path leads to nowhere. But I just need to know that (at least) it was something special.
The second time, I didn't lie when he called me that night maybe sensing that I was angry. I said the truth when he asked me. I wasn't mad, I wasn't angry. I was dissapointed. The day I chose to try to declare my feelings was the same day that I found out they went out in such a ridiculous way. I was broken hearted. But still, I chose to keep silent.
But I can't stay silent anymore, coz I am so afraid that he will hate me for behaving irrational, unreasonably pathetic and idiotic. I am so afraid that he will hate me after making that stupid analogy about what I felt that friday night.
The truth is, I never get over him. I was in denial, trying to forget all bout my feelings for him, afraid of being hurt. Inside, I'm still that same person sitting in that bus stop and saw him the way she never did during 3 years of their friendship. Sudden epiphany, came like a thunder, completely smitten by him and couldn't help but fell for him. Hard.
The truth is, I am missing him so bad. Missing the morning coffee time and it is so hard that I just give up the idea to come early to the office. Missing him stopping by in front of my office door unannounced for lunch or just a quick smoking time -so much that from time to time I still can hear his voice when I sit in my office and it hurts me so much coz I know he's not there anymore.
There I said it. It took so many booze (that just vapourized through my skin, didn't help at all to get me some decent sleep), several sleepless nights, so many cigarettes, n a lot of guts.
I told myself that I just wanna care for him in a simple way. But it has never been simple. I thought I got away easily. But it's never been easy, coz hating him is impossible.
So from the bottom of my heart, I ask for his forgiveness. I hope that he'll forgive me for not telling the truth. Forgive me for confiding my sadness of could-not-have -him and broken heart in every other guys. All the guys that have the criteria I dig, while actually the only guy I am falling for is the one that not even qualified. And on top of everything, I really do hope that he can forgive me although I can't keep my promise to him a long time ago when he invited me to his housewarming (the one that I didn't come). I just can't put my heart where it belongs. The feelings I have for him just won't go away. Not because I don't want to, but because it is beyond my control.
I'm sorry.
Please don't hate me.